In answer to an online question posed by a fellow Christian Dude — something like "Describe a tough time in our life and how you got through it," and in keeping with my usual Facebook habit of allowing my fast fingers to bolt ahead of my brain, I responded with the following mini-rant:
"Right now, in the midst of middle age, unemployed for the first time since college. Doing my best to discern the way forward without panic and with the deep love of my family and friends. I'm not pushing it, but the uncertainty and nagging self-flagellation that I'm a loser failure is definitely a challenge. So I'll get up tomorrow and keep fighting the fear with God's help."
So, there's the story in a nutshell: In August, after nearly 40 years of pretty much non-stop employment — interrupted by college and a few years of business ownership, which I suppose is still "employment" though I was the last to get paid — I found myself on the outside of the workforce looking in. It wasn't a surprise. I'd known since May that the magazine I'd helped found back in 1997 and shepherded through several highs and lows — ownership changes, expensive growth, economic collapse, faulty decision-making and finger-crossing faith — was shutting down. Our latest owner was calling it quits, and rightly so in all-American profit-or-else terms. We were losing money, as are so many magazines these days.
I was out, and I wasn't sure how to feel about it, what with two daughters still at home and a patient, supportive spouse telling me it was cool with her that I took some time to recalibrate, discern, breathe and pray. At first I felt freed, but it wasn't the kind of freedom most working men experience after they lose a "normal" gig involving an office or a job site, a commute, a fellow crew. I had worked at home for going on five years, and before that, in a small office with only one other onsite employee for the better part of six years: My wife. So, I was still at home, staring at the same computer screen and fighting the urge to sit there and work, any kind of word work — which is my stock-in-trade — without pay.
I was supposed to get out, enjoy life, take advantage of the time off. And I did, to a point, in between odd jobs with a local caterer. But after just a few weeks, I got antsy. My guilt-fueled guy psyche kicked in. The 3 a.m. terrors blew through my mind: "You suck. You're not contributing. You've failed yourself and your family, and you don't seem to give a damn. You're useless."
Not fair, I know. Certainly not true. But in modern, first-world men's culture, especially American men's culture, not having a job and supporting your family is pretty much a fate worse than death. And it doesn't help when you let folks know what's going on, which sets in motion a cycle of, "So, how's the job search going?" followed by my replies of "Well, I'm not rushing into things" or "I've got a few feelers out," when I'd rather say, "I'm not what I do, dammit! My job doesn't define me. So give me a break!" It's not their fault; what else are they supposed to say? At any rate, it gets old.
So you'd think I'd have fired myself up, hit the bricks and ferreted out a new job, any job, within a few days. Instead, I stewed with self-hate even as I updated my résumé, signed up for online job seeking sites, send out halfhearted queries to a handful of magazine editors (with zero response) and generally gave it the ol' college try. I put the word out on Facebook that I was looking for the next challenge, and got dozens of thumbs-up and plenty of go-get-'em optimism. I was thankful to have so many friends looking after me, but at the same time, at age 54 and staring at a huge, smoking hole of professional doubt, I couldn't shake the feeling — no doubt stoked by what my good friend Todd calls "the snake" — that it was all lip service, and moving forward was, in the end, all up to me. I couldn't count on people, because they really don't care. A few folks from church said they'd help any way they could, but how? They've got their own problems, right? They're busy! And as for the hundreds of contacts I had through my old job, many of them just dropped out of sight, moved on. After all I'd done for them! I thought they cared about me!
What a venal and self-absorbed chump I was becoming. And I'd only been out of work a few weeks, for God's sake.
Snap out of it, man!
So fought the negativity with trips to the gym, hikes in the mountains, rounds of golf with my buddies, fireside chats with Todd and other friends, and puttering around the house. I did my best to engage with my bride, our two teenage daughters. I babysat my year-old grandson, which couldn't help but lift the fog of self-doubt.
I kept busy. And it all worked to a point. But then comes 3 a.m. again, and the snake coils around my heart in the darkness, telling me I'm no good. A few weeks ago, that darkness nearly swallowed me whole as I awoke in tears, feeling close to suicidal. I was an abject failure. My wife awoke and talked me through it. Then, the very next night, as Todd and I attended a Lutheran Men in Mission visioning weekend in Chicago, he listened to my tale of woe yet again and laid on me his simple wisdom, born of his years in recovery: "One day at a time. One good thing at a time. You're a good man and God loves you. No matter what you do, he won't leave you."
Damn that Todd. He got me again, pulled me back from the brink, and set me up for a productive weekend with a bunch of fellow Lutheran seekers, guys who didn't really care what I did for a living, only that I lived alongside them, in grace, and that, indeed, God was working through them. He didn't need my résumé to accept me. He knew my name before I was born.
I find myself thinking of that verse at the very center of the Bible, Psalm 118:8.
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."
Indeed. I believe that. But I also believe that God works his grace through man. Through my fellow men. That's our true job as Christians, to love each other and get past the earthly bounds of job and career and station and see each other for who we are in His eyes, right?
Yeah, I'm going with that.
So, here I am, still out of work, but not entirely. I'm up and running as a consultant for a local non-profit here in Reno, my hometown — I feel myself drawn to the non-profit world these days — and working on some freelance writing projects. And I'm feeling better, though the snake still lurks.
I'm a dude, and I abide in Jesus. Perhaps I'll put that on my résumé.
Vic Williams attends Lutheran Church of the Good Shepherd in Reno, Nevada, with his wife and two daughters.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
IDENTIFY | INVITE | INVEST
Utilizing the I-GO Model for Intergenerational Ministry
It has been the assumption that young men will return to churches when they settle down, get married, and have kids. For many years, this was true to a certain extent. But we are entering a time when young men have nowhere to return to. They were never part of the community of believers.
Research is showing something that many of us would like to ignore: many young men ages eighteen to twenty-four are not connected with God through Jesus Christ because they cannot connect with their existing churches. Young men are the age and gender group that is most absent from Christian faith communities. Why is that? And what can we do? At the same time, major shifts are taking place within society and culture as to how people, especially young people, see the world. Many times these new and different ways of understanding life conflict with values and structures on which our churches are based. Therefore, there is something deep down that just doesn’t seem right about many churches to young men. And it goes much deeper than the style of music.
From their perspective, it doesn’t make sense to expect young men to come to our existing worship gatherings or men’s ministries. Nor will it work to try to develop a new and better program and hope young men show up. We need to put to rest the “you-come-to-us” model and deeply invest in a “we-will-go-to-you” model. The church needs to be sent out into the world. What does this look like? When we look across the country in our congregations, we see men who have walked with the Lord for more than half a century – men who have stayed married to the same woman for forty years, men who have the wisdom of many years lived, and men who are by no means perfect but who are willing to share their lives. These men have something young men need. Recent research sponsored by Lutheran Men in Mission shows that fathers and other older men in a young man’s life are the most significant factors in shaping their adult spiritual identity. However, sometimes these men do not realize how much they have to offer and how much they are needed.
But what if these men – these men who know what it means to walk with the Lord, these men who have the wisdom of many years lived – were empowered to go where the young men are and build relationships? What if the men in our congregations caught a vision of the impact they could have on a young man? What if the lives of young men all over the country were being changed because men of God were talking risks and accepting the call to invest in the life on one young man?
IMPORTANCE OF INTER-GENERATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Intergenerational relationships are crucial in the big picture of discipleship due to the following:
I-GO
Identify. Invite. Invest.
The I-GO model is a simple organic strategy that provides a three-step process for building relationships with young men. It is based on the three “I”s of relationship building (identifying, inviting, and investing) and upon the conviction that “I will go” and do this. In this model, you don’t have to wait to get going. You just go and do it.
IDENTIFY
What young man has God put in your life? With whom do you have a natural connection – a grandson, an employee? Perhaps it’s the guy who works at the clubhouse, your neighbor, or your friend’s son. Whoever it is, identify a young man with whom you can connect.
INVITE
Take a risk and get to know him. Ask questions. Find out what makes him come alive. Invite him into conversations. Then invite him to do something with you. Maybe it is fishing, maybe it is dinner. Make use of shared interests.
INVEST
Develop an ongoing relationship with the young man. Have a biweekly Bible study, a weekly [disc]golf outing, a monthly time to work on cars together, or a regular invitation to have supper together. Find something that works for you. As you do something together, learn his story, and share yours. Listen and be real. Live your life transparently and honestly, allowing him to see the real you. Let meaningful conversations just happen. Watch as God changes both of you.
PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER
How does this start? There are a number of ways to go about building relationships with young men. The I-GO model suggest ways to jump start your thinking about what would work in your context and to empower you to make it happen. We cannot expect young men to just show up at our church buildings. We need to go to them. And that means you need to build authentic relationship. God is raising up men to invest in the lives of young men. You are needed. Will you go?
CONCLUSIONS
Young men need a man to listen to them, to believe in them, and to model what life looks like with God. Identify. Invite. Invest. Keep it simple. Just build a relationship with a young man. You don’t have to be perfect. You just need to be you: You just need to go to them. God is going to do great things through you.
To find out more, ask Lutheran Men in Mission about intergenerational ministry, and how to reach across generations to build men for Christ.
REFERENCES
The I-GO model discussed in the paper is out of a Lutheran Men in Mission developed resource in Appendix A, pp201-208 of the book Coming of Age.
Coming of Age is available from Augsburg Fortress on their website: http://store.augsburgfortress.org/store/product/7329/Coming-of-Age-Exploring-the-Spirituality-and-Identity-of-Younger-Men Anderson, David W,. Hill, Paul G., Martinson, R. (2006). Coming Of Age: Exploring the Identity and Spirituality of Younger Men. Augsburg Fortress, Minneapolis MN. ISBN: 9780806652245
Research is showing something that many of us would like to ignore: many young men ages eighteen to twenty-four are not connected with God through Jesus Christ because they cannot connect with their existing churches. Young men are the age and gender group that is most absent from Christian faith communities. Why is that? And what can we do? At the same time, major shifts are taking place within society and culture as to how people, especially young people, see the world. Many times these new and different ways of understanding life conflict with values and structures on which our churches are based. Therefore, there is something deep down that just doesn’t seem right about many churches to young men. And it goes much deeper than the style of music.
From their perspective, it doesn’t make sense to expect young men to come to our existing worship gatherings or men’s ministries. Nor will it work to try to develop a new and better program and hope young men show up. We need to put to rest the “you-come-to-us” model and deeply invest in a “we-will-go-to-you” model. The church needs to be sent out into the world. What does this look like? When we look across the country in our congregations, we see men who have walked with the Lord for more than half a century – men who have stayed married to the same woman for forty years, men who have the wisdom of many years lived, and men who are by no means perfect but who are willing to share their lives. These men have something young men need. Recent research sponsored by Lutheran Men in Mission shows that fathers and other older men in a young man’s life are the most significant factors in shaping their adult spiritual identity. However, sometimes these men do not realize how much they have to offer and how much they are needed.
But what if these men – these men who know what it means to walk with the Lord, these men who have the wisdom of many years lived – were empowered to go where the young men are and build relationships? What if the men in our congregations caught a vision of the impact they could have on a young man? What if the lives of young men all over the country were being changed because men of God were talking risks and accepting the call to invest in the life on one young man?
IMPORTANCE OF INTER-GENERATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Intergenerational relationships are crucial in the big picture of discipleship due to the following:
- Young men are the group most disconnected from Christian communities.
- Young men say they want older men in their lives.
- Faith and what it means to be a man is passed down from one man to another
- Many young men don’t have fathers because of divorce, death, or because their father is absent emotionally or spiritually.
- Many young men don’t have extended family nearby.
- Many young men don’t trust institutions or organized religion. Faith and masculinity must be passed down organically through relationships. Young men must witness real men live real lives (in all its messiness) with the real Jesus.
- Many young men are confused over the difference between the way the world should be (the way they want it to be) and the way that the world is. Intergenerational relationships can provide some clarity amid the confusion.
- Young men have a sense that at some point they will need to step up and make a difference. In other generations this was more defined. Now, young men wonder, how, why and can I? Intergenerational relationships can help answer these questions.
- Older men are blessed with experience and wisdom to be a blessing. They get to make a difference in young men’s lives
- Young men can be a wonderful blessing in the lives of older men, bringing new purpose, life, and energy.
I-GO
Identify. Invite. Invest.
The I-GO model is a simple organic strategy that provides a three-step process for building relationships with young men. It is based on the three “I”s of relationship building (identifying, inviting, and investing) and upon the conviction that “I will go” and do this. In this model, you don’t have to wait to get going. You just go and do it.
IDENTIFY
What young man has God put in your life? With whom do you have a natural connection – a grandson, an employee? Perhaps it’s the guy who works at the clubhouse, your neighbor, or your friend’s son. Whoever it is, identify a young man with whom you can connect.
INVITE
Take a risk and get to know him. Ask questions. Find out what makes him come alive. Invite him into conversations. Then invite him to do something with you. Maybe it is fishing, maybe it is dinner. Make use of shared interests.
INVEST
Develop an ongoing relationship with the young man. Have a biweekly Bible study, a weekly [disc]golf outing, a monthly time to work on cars together, or a regular invitation to have supper together. Find something that works for you. As you do something together, learn his story, and share yours. Listen and be real. Live your life transparently and honestly, allowing him to see the real you. Let meaningful conversations just happen. Watch as God changes both of you.
PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER
How does this start? There are a number of ways to go about building relationships with young men. The I-GO model suggest ways to jump start your thinking about what would work in your context and to empower you to make it happen. We cannot expect young men to just show up at our church buildings. We need to go to them. And that means you need to build authentic relationship. God is raising up men to invest in the lives of young men. You are needed. Will you go?
CONCLUSIONS
Young men need a man to listen to them, to believe in them, and to model what life looks like with God. Identify. Invite. Invest. Keep it simple. Just build a relationship with a young man. You don’t have to be perfect. You just need to be you: You just need to go to them. God is going to do great things through you.
To find out more, ask Lutheran Men in Mission about intergenerational ministry, and how to reach across generations to build men for Christ.
REFERENCES
The I-GO model discussed in the paper is out of a Lutheran Men in Mission developed resource in Appendix A, pp201-208 of the book Coming of Age.
Coming of Age is available from Augsburg Fortress on their website: http://store.augsburgfortress.org/store/product/7329/Coming-of-Age-Exploring-the-Spirituality-and-Identity-of-Younger-Men Anderson, David W,. Hill, Paul G., Martinson, R. (2006). Coming Of Age: Exploring the Identity and Spirituality of Younger Men. Augsburg Fortress, Minneapolis MN. ISBN: 9780806652245
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